Acceptance

Sleep: 7 Hours

Depression: None

Elevated Mood: None

Irritability: None

Anxiety: Mild

I have been struggling up until this post.  Thus, the longer time between posts than I would like.  Between withdrawing from the Lexapro and upping my Lamictal, my mood has really been all over the place.  I have been especially irritable, which usually I am not.  I had a few hypomanic moods; going, going, going and lack of sleep.  But it all came to a head yesterday.

I have felt overwhelmed at work.  I have had so much to do, but I already put in so much extra time, I did not think I could put in much more.  I had the option to leave at 3PM before the Fourth of July holiday.  I ended up only leaving a half hour before my normal time because I had so much to do.  But I was so focused on making sure I was touching a little bit of everything, rather than finishing one task.

On Tuesday, I think my boss just got off on the wrong foot from the beginning.  I did not take a good picture on something important.  I did not finish some of the smaller items on my list and did not give an update.  But I had one thing I was working on that I had given an update on, that I would finish it on Tuesday morning.  I got an email from my boss saying that if I was given the option to leave early, I really should make sure I have done enough prior to leaving early.  Especially with that project.  As it was on Friday, I felt so anxious, could not breathe and was having a panic attack because I knew I had so much to do.  I needed to take an anxiety pill it was so bad.

Anyway, I could not keep it inside.  I burst out all of these thoughts about how I stay late all the time, come in early, work through lunches, answer emails on weekends and days off yet it doesn’t seem to be enough.  It is always about what I am not doing.  I am trying so hard and I did not want it to seem like I was not working hard.  This led to me bursting out in tears, really like not understanding what I am saying because I am crying so hard and saying I had bipolar.  That my medication is being adjusted and I am changing dosages and adding and getting rid of medication and that I am struggling to meet demands and manage my moods. 

My boss felt terrible.  I think mostly that I keep it internalized for so long and that I did not feel I could be honest and tell her this.  Also, that maybe I needed a little more sensitivity with hours and demand as I juggle something that I really cannot leave at the door when walking into work.  We talked about a lot and just took a break to talk, absorb and by the end of the day, we were back to normal.  I told her, and I really meant it, that I did not want anything to change.  I wanted her to be as hard on me, as direct with me and keep pushing me to be better.  I truly do think that I have the best manager in my entire job and that no one here is a better team than her and I.  Some days are tough, and everyone just has those days.  But it never stops me from really wanting to come to work every single day.

This really got me to thinking about acceptance of my diagnosis.  Am I finally coming to that point?  I told my boss.  I told another friend whom I had not connected with lately despite how close we once were.  And I realize I feel okay about it.  No one knew any better because I was so functional.  I think maybe I am already helping to erase the stigmas people, but also myself, have about this disorder.  I do not feel like it is the worst thing in the world any longer if someone knows about this.  This is not something that I can control; this is a chemical imbalance.  This is just as much in my control as getting diagnosed with diabetes or cancer.  You would not think twice about whether there was something that person could do to stop it if you heard one of those diagnosis.  That is how it is with me.  I cannot control that I have this.  But I am doing everything in my control to not be my diagnosis.  I am seeing my psychiatrist, I am seeing my therapist, I am taking my medication religiously every night.  I am doing all I can and that should be the point.  I have not changed.  I am still me.  And I am doing EVERYTHING I can to control the things I can.  Everything else just must be.

I feel as though I have had some level of acceptance.  I think that I still have a way to go for full acceptance and I do not think that will happen until my medication is stable and I have a steady mood.  But I am happy to have any sort of acceptance.  It is given me a calm today that I have not felt in a while.  I feel awake, productive, and organized, and not in a manic sort of way.  Just a way that I assume most people can feel without medication.

Now, this does not mean I am ready to shout from the rooftops that I am bipolar and have everyone knowing.  I am not there, and I do not think that will ever be necessary.  But I feel like I can tell those closest to me and be okay with that.  I feel like I do not need to hide.  That I can make plans and if I’m having a day, be able to say I am not feeling like myself and need to stay in to focus on getting myself back in a good head space.  That is okay and I can do that.

I know that this looks differently for everyone.  Everyone has a different meaning of what acceptance is and how they get there and when.  Everyone is on their own timeline, moving at their own pace and that is how it should be.  That is how I need to look at it.  I have a lot of changes to make.  Schedules for my day, organization, sleep and creating boundaries.  As well as changing my entire thought process in therapy and overcoming some deep-rooted traumas.  It is not going to be easy.  I am going to fail a lot, which is hard for me to accept, as I expect to do everything perfect, but I am also going to get back up and continue until I get this all right.  I need patience, which again I am not good with, but I will get there too.

Everyone, please keep trying.  Please reach out if you need help.  To a loved one, to family, to a Dr. or even to an emergency helpline.  Do not keep it inside.  Get the help you need.  I promise, it will be worth it.

Next post will be beauty related; I swear!  It is going to be my go-to make-up products currently.

Suicide Prevention Hotline Website: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Phone Number: 1-800-273-8255

My email is bipolar.beauty.blogger@gmail.com.

Things coming up: my current skincare routine, 5 product make-up routine, holy grails in make-up and skincare, what I cannot live without (all things beauty) and more!

Stay well everyone xx

Sleep: 7 Hours

Depression: None

Elevated Mood: None

Irritability: None

Anxiety: Mild

I have been struggling up until this post.  Thus, the longer time between posts than I’d like.  Between withdrawing from the Lexapro and upping my Lamictal, my mood has really been all over the place.  I’ve been especially irritable, which usually I am not.  I had a few hypomanic moods; going, going, going and lack of sleep.  But it all came to a head yesterday.

I have felt overwhelmed at work.  I’ve had so much to do, but I already put in so much extra time, I didn’t think I could put in much more.  I had the option to leave at 3PM before the Fourth of July holiday.  I ended up only leaving a half hour before my normal time because I had so much to do.  But I was so focused on making sure I was touching a little bit of everything, rather than finishing one task.

On Tuesday, I think my boss just got off on the wrong foot from the beginning.  I didn’t take a good picture on something important.  I didn’t finish some of the smaller items on my list and didn’t give an update.  But, I had one thing I was working on that I had given an update on, that I would finish it on Tuesday morning.  I got an email from my boss saying that if I was given the option to leave early, I really should make sure I have done enough prior to leaving early.  Especially with that project.  As it was on Friday, I felt so anxious, couldn’t breathe and was having a panic attack because I knew I had so much to do.  I needed to take an anxiety pill it was so bad.

Any way, I couldn’t keep it inside.  I burst out all of these thoughts about how I stay late all the time, come in early, work through lunches, answer emails on weekends and days off yet it doesn’t seem to be enough.  It’s always about what I’m not doing.  I’m trying so hard and I didn’t want it to seem like I wasn’t working hard.  This lead to me bursting out in tears, really like not understanding what I’m saying because I’m crying so hard and saying I had bipolar.  That my medication is being adjusted and I am changing dosages and adding and getting rid of medication and that I am struggling to meet demands and manage my moods. 

My boss felt terrible.  I think mostly that I keep it internalized for so long and that I didn’t feel I could be honest and tell her this.  Also, that maybe I needed a little more sensitivity with hours and demand as I juggle something that I really cant leave at the door when walking into work.  We talked about a lot and just took a break to talk, absorb and by the end of the day, we were really back to normal.  I told her, and I really meant it, that I didn’t want anything to change.  I wanted her to be as hard on me, as direct with me and keep pushing me to be better.  I truly do think that I have the best manager in my entire job and that no one here is a better team than her and I.  Some days are tough, and everyone just has those days.  But it never stops me from really wanting to come to work every single day.

This really got me to thinking about acceptance of my diagnosis.  Am I finally coming to that point?  I told my boss.  I told another friend whom I hadn’t connected with lately despite how close we once were.  And I realize I feel okay about it.  No one knew any better, because I was so functional.  I think maybe I’m already helping to erase the stigmas people, but also myself, have about this disorder.  I don’t feel like it’s the worst thing in the world any longer if someone knows about this.  This isn’t something that I can control; this is a chemical imbalance.  This is just as much in my control as getting diagnosed with diabetes or cancer.  You wouldn’t think twice about whether there was something that person could do to stop it if you heard one of those diagnosis.  That’s how it is with me.  I can’t control that I have this.  But I am doing everything in my control to not be my diagnosis.  I am seeing my psychiatrist, I am seeing my therapist, I am taking my medication religiously each and every night.  I am doing all I can and that should be the point.  I have not changed.  I am still me.  And I am doing EVERYTHING I can to control the things I can.  Everything else just has to be.

I feel as though I’ve had some level of acceptance.  I think that I still have a ways to go for full acceptance and I don’t think that will happen until my medication is stable and I have a steady mood.  But I’m happy to have any sort of acceptance.  It’s given me a calm today that I haven’t felt in a while.  I feel awake, productive and organized, and not in a manic sort of way.  Just a way that I assume most people can feel without medication.

Now, this doesn’t mean I’m ready to shout from the rooftops that I’m bipolar and have everyone knowing.  I’m not there and I don’t think that will ever be necessary.  But, I feel like I can tell those closest to me and be okay with that.  I feel like I do not need to hide.  That I can make plans and if I’m having a day, be able to say I am not feeling like myself and need to stay in to focus on getting myself back in a good head space.  That is okay and I can do that.

I know that this looks differently for everyone.  Everyone has a different meaning of what acceptance is and how they get there and when.  Everyone is on their own timeline, moving at their own pace and that is how it should be.  That is how I need to look at it.  I have a lot of changes to make.  Schedules for my day, organization, sleep and creating boundaries.  As well as changing my entire thought process in therapy and overcoming some deep rooted traumas.  It isn’t going to be easy.  I am going to fail a lot, which is hard for me to accept, as I expect to do everything perfect, but I am also going to get back up and continue until I get this all right.  I need patience, which again I’m not good with, but I’ll get there too.

Everyone, please keep trying.  Please reach out if you need help.  To a loved one, to family, to a Dr. or even to an emergency helpline.  Don’t keep it inside.  Get the help you need.  I promise, it will be worth it.

Next post will be beauty related, I swear!  It’s going to be my go-to make-up products currently.

Suicide Prevention Hotline Website: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Phone Number: 1-800-273-8255

My email is bipolar.beauty.blogger@gmail.com.

Things coming up: my current skincare routine, 5 product make-up routine, holy grails in make-up and skincare, what I can not live without (all things beauty) and more!

Stay well everyone xx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s