Mood Check: mild depression, no elevated mood, no irritability, moderate anxiety
Sleep Last Night: 7 hours (took 25 mg of Seroquel at bedtime)
I feel like I should clarify that this is not just a beauty blog. I plan on using this blog as a space for both beauty and bipolar. I want to share my experiences about having bipolar. The difficulties, the joys, the ups, the downs. All while maintaining that this disorder does not make you crazy. Some days might be bad, where it is visible, all your struggles. But most days, people will not know. It will be a diagnosis you can fully control who knows and who does not. I hope this helps people, seeing the day to day thoughts, rambling or straight, to better understand what people with bipolar go through.
So, I come from a big family. I am one of 4, with all half siblings. I am the baby and the only one that has both my mom and my dad. We are all close, myself and my brother living at home still. My oldest sister lives about a half hour away. She has my Godson, the absolute light of my life and the joy of all our lives. But there is one outlier. My middle sister completely cut us off.
It was a gradual process; it was not one day she was talking with us and then stopped. When she got married (I think) 7 years ago, we were still all close. We would see her periodically, every holiday, we would text, and she would call my dad once a week to check in.
Then, it was like she spoke to my dad in October of 2018 and then we have not heard from her since. We have sent texts, we have called, and all have gone unanswered. She is moved and we have no idea where.
Now, I know what you are thinking. This sort of coincides with a marriage. Is it abuse? Can her husband be keeping her away? My brain went there. But, she has an aunt and cousins from her mom’s side that she routine talks to and sees. And my oldest sister talks to them too. So, if something was off there, we would have heard about it. She wouldn’t be seeing or talking to anyone. It is specifically her siblings and father that she has cut off.
The worst part about it, is that no one knows why. There are few reasons and basically everyone in my family blames themselves as the reason.
My sisters never got along. They have always fought and bickered. They’ve gone through points where they haven’t talked at all, couldn’t be in the same room together and they didn’t want to hear about being nice to one another. Then everything changed when my oldest sister was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 30. Their dynamic was so different. My middle sister flew down to be with her and take care of her after her surgery. Our family had never been closer together. But, my oldest sister can be a bit… difficult. She ended up divorcing her husband and believed that my middle sister said things that were unkind. They fell out and didn’t want to talk again. One didn’t want to come if the other would be there. If they were both there, they’d be on opposite sides of the floor, one talking about the other. When my oldest sister finally got the news that they were adopting a little boy, it did seem to be another turning point. My middle sister didn’t care at all about the process, the struggles, nor when my nephew was born. In fact, I think the last conversation my father had with her had been that my nephew had been born and would hopefully be able to come home soon. I feel like perhaps she thought with my oldest sister having a baby, we would always want her to come to everything so we had the baby along. Maybe that was too much pressure to feel like maybe we would pick one sister over the other.
My mother, affectionately (now at least) is the evil stepmother to both my sisters. My mother feels as though she said something to offend her and that subconsciously she is being blamed.
But for me, I think I’m the reason. Back when I was 20 and hospitalized for depression and anxiety (and had suicidal thoughts) my sister was open with me that she blamed my parents for not saying something and getting me help sooner. She was concerned that she would come home one day and find me dead. I worry that she knew my depression, anxiety and behavior needed correction again and my parents were not advocating for me to seek the help I desperately needed. That she was mad at my parents because they were letting me spiral and couldn’t even see it themselves. Like we were all past redemption.
Why do I bring this up today? I created an Instagram for my blog (IG: @bipolarbeautyblogger, check it out!) and when it got to the part of adding followers, I saw my sister had an Instagram. It was her and her husband along a beautiful lakeside backdrop. Her account was private but I requested it. Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment. But I did it out of curiosity. After so long of being away, I always thought that maybe she just feels she doesn’t know how to come back. So maybe all she needs another reach out. And I just pressed follow. Nothing yet. But she’s a workaholic and probably so busy. It’s too soon to write it off…
I am so scared to feel that way of disappointment again to see the status as still “requested” or even worse see the follow button again because she’s rejected it. It sucks sending texts, calling, and just reaching out to your own blood and getting ignored. Is any of the above or something so bad that we deserve to be cut out? What the hell did my father do? He has always been there for all of us. He rescued her from her crazy mother. He welcomed her back into her house when she broke up with her cheating ex-boyfriend. He has always been there. Why aren’t we good enough to be given the benefit of the doubt or maybe a second chance? It really hurts. Sure, some days I don’t think about it. But every time I do, I get really upset. I always thought her and I were the closest. That we understood each other. We were the “normal” ones. It brings up a lot of trauma and a lot of abandonment issues…
This really brought my mood down today, though I seem to be going through waves… So frustrating getting used to medication and not being able to find a steady ground of emotion!
No daddy issues here, but certainly sister issues! Have you experienced anything similar? Any suggestions on how to maybe reach her?
Suicide Prevention Hotline Website: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Phone Number: 1-800-273-8255
My email is firstname.lastname@example.org
Stay well everyone! xx