Today was my building’s reopening and we welcomed back a small number of employees who wanted to come back. It was so nice to see!
My mood is so erratic today.
I did have a consultation with another provider (lucky number 4?) to discuss my options. In talking with her, letting know how my previous provider thought I needed an IOP to manage my medication since my mood has been a bit unstable. This provider felt confident that since I was fully functional she could do weekly check-ins, with emails in between as necessary and get my medication to a therapeutic level. She didn’t feel IOP was a step I needed to take and I was so happy to hear that. I’ll do an intake with her next Monday and go from there.
But, my boss has been in a mood all day. Little things, that are all big to her, haven’t been done here and there by other teams. I haven’t been moving fast enough and not making her vision come to life. And it makes me feel like a failure. She makes it seem sometimes like she’s the only one busting her butt. Coming in early, working late, answering emails on the weekend, etc. I come in at 7:30AM every day. I don’t start until 9AM. I don’t take a lunch. I stay until 4:30PM. I take calls, emails and texts after hours, weekends and days off. I think in an 11 hour day today and will only get paid for 8. I mean at least she’s salaried, she can’t get OT.
Sometimes I don’t eat all day. Sometimes I don’t go to the bathroom because I’m so busy I forget. I feel such a need to match her. If she’s not getting up, I feel I can’t. If she hasn’t gone to get food, I can’t go get food. I’m not told this is the way. This is what I put on myself. But I feel like sometimes there isn’t enough compassion for what others might be going through. I’m in pain everyday. I’m struggling internally. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can barely breathe. But it’s kind of just expected that everyday we’re going at 1001%. I can’t manage it everyday. I blame myself for everything. The technology isn’t working and I can’t fix it. A vendor is late or a no show. Someone isn’t responding. I’m never going it the way she would. And everything needs to be done, said and followed through to her standards.
All that and you know what I feel? Disappointed that I’m not doing everything perfect up to her standards. Getting the teams in line, moving at her speed, anticipating the next move and making her life easier not harder. Yeah, I am frustrated too, clearly, but the tears are more prominent than anger. Exhaustion is there too.
I really do try so hard. Everyday. I try to hide everything that is going on outside the office and go in there and make her life easier. Ordering itch cream because she has bug bites, I order food, I get in at 630AM because I fucking care. And sometimes it really never seems good enough.
Work is the biggest source of my anxiety and mood. How work is going is how my mood typically goes. Lately, my mood is less dependent on work; I’m just up or down on my own. But my mood shifts during the day based on what’s going on.
Right now I’m sitting in a car on my way (paid for two cabs today to get there early and get home for dinner because I stayed so late) home and I’m so exhausted. I’m bordering on tears. I’m anxious as hell. I keep having mini panic attacks. And this makes me scared that I might need to be hospitalized, which only makes everything worse.
I am going to need lunch breaks every Monday. I am going to need to leave at 4PM every Thursday. I need to make sure I get my psychiatrist and therapist in every week. I need to. I also need the two vacations I’m going to ask for. I need to get the hell out of NY and I need to disconnect and be with the people who have loved and supported me through all this. I need to do something good. I need to feel good. I need to do something for me. But I have no idea what to say to get this time. I guess I need to say that I have a medical condition that is unmanaged currently and needs consistent check-up in the coming weeks to get me on track. It’s the only thing I can think to say. I mean none of this will make me work less time than I am paid for. It’s just less than I typically put in daily. But this is my life. This is my future. This is literally my sanity.
I don’t understand how people cannot get nauseous, paralyzing anxiety over work. How do they leave everything at the door.
My boss said that these little things the guys are missing could get someone fired elsewhere. Is this what she thinks about me when I make little mistakes?!?
Sometimes I want to scream at her that I’m bipolar with crippling anxiety and I need a goddamn fucking break. I won’t. But boy I wish I could.
Suicide Prevention Hotline Website: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Phone Number: 1-800-273-8255
My email is firstname.lastname@example.org.
Stay well everyone xx